So where does this all begin? Where did I get off track? When did I let myself go? Honestly, when I look back on my life, it has just been a gradual gain over time. I can vividly remember I always have felt fat and had a low self-esteem in regards to my body image. I don't really know what the origins of it is. I remember my grandma calling me "pudgy puberty" when I was 13. Looking back, I was rail thin but I guess I took it to heart. I have always felt big, granted being 6'3 I am taller (bigger) than a lot of people.
When I was 17 I became very depressed and was medicating that depression with drugs and drinking, which in turns only made it worse. The depression made me suicidal. Not many people know this but I had many plans to end my life back then. Fortunately, they were never successful. I began to hate the way I was feeling and the way the drugs were making me act and feel. I demanded to see a psychologist to figure this out. I should note that my parents have always been very very supportive of me and would do anything for me at a moments notice, I am very blessed to have them as my parents. I started on Prozac to help with my depression. I was hesitant to start a medication but my God, it was a wonder drug. I felt 100% better. It helped me see the light at the end of the tunnel and function better and the thought of dying never entered my mind. It truly was exactly what I needed, when I needed it. Obviously, with any drug, there are side effects. For me, increased appetite and weight gain were side effects. I came to later find out that my high school girlfriend broke up with me due to my weight gain. I guess it didn't really bother me as I felt so much better. I want to be clear that I am not solely blaming Prozac for the weight gain, there were some unhealthy and wrong life choices I made a long the way too. I passed the 200 lbs mark. Then 220. Then 240. Next thing I was at 250 lbs. I have a larger frame so I carried it well. After a few years I got off Prozac and dropped about 25 pounds.
When I went to college I started to get depressed again and started to have major bouts of anxiety - sometimes to the point of not wanting to get out of bed. I started dabbling in drugs again. Not wanting to go down the same road, I decided to go back on Prozac. I was 27 at that time. I am now 36 and still on Prozac. I have had steady weight increases since then. Add on the fact that I work a desk job for the past 10+ years, I have gotten married, I have added 2 kids to my life and BAM I hit over 300 lbs. Before my daughter was born in 2015, I was inspired by a facebook friend Nathan Gray, to positively change my life. I started working out, counting calories, watching what I ate etc. I dropped 30 pounds and was feeling good about where things were going. Then.... Cailin was born in December of 2015. The addition of a 2nd kid meant more stress, less time to prep food, fast food, quick meals for the 4 year old and us and less time to myself to drum, let alone work out. That leads me to today. My kids are getting older (currently (almost) 5 and 1) They are becoming more independent and I am getting more time to focus on me. So here we go.....
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